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Depression and Family
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My name is Li, and I would like to tell the story of myself and my brother, "Joey." Joey is 27 years old and manic-depressive. My parents and I first learned about his illness when he was away at college. He had gone to see a guidance counselor and was diagnosed bipolar.. He then started taking Lithium, which my parents seem to remember worked well for him. In hindsight, my parents and I actually remember strange behavior starting in high school which is a very common time for manic-depression to manifest itself, although it can come at any age. My brother and I went to Music and Art High School in Manhattan. He is a violinist, a very gifted musician, and quickly soared to the top position in the school’s most advanced orchestra. Then, little by little, things started to happen. He was kicked out of the orchestra. Strange things kept happening to him that my family and I chalked up to bad luck. In actuality, there was something happening with Joey that we did not realize would effect his judgment and his behavior. Let me give some background to my family before going on to how we confronted my brother’s illness. Joey and I were always close. We had no sibling rivalry. We fought once in awhile, but most of my childhood memories of us are me, reading to him for hours and playing together all the time, even in the back-seat of my parents car, every time we moved. We did not have a normal childhood, by any means, but then again, what exactly is a normal childhood? In our case, my family went through a lot because my father was very ill for awhile. As a result of many events, my family ended up moving six times before settling down in a house and my mother supported my family, financially, for the majority of my parents’ marriage. (They are still happily married.) I do not know anyone who grew up with a perfect family, but the way I see it, “perfect” goes on a sliding scale. In other words, you may or may not be perfect, depending on how you play with the hand that you have been dealt. Based on this definition, my parents are perfect. There was no way that they could have done a better job than they did, bringing up me and my brother. And there is no way, that we know about in modern science, they could have prevented Joey from being manic-depressive. Our only shortcoming was not knowing what manic-depression was. How many people have said the words, “I wish I knew then, what I know now?” I say those words in regard to my brother’s evolving illness, but in reality, I don’t know if it would have made a difference. I cannot waste my time wondering how things might have been different if I had been informed earlier. In a perfect world, we would have known what this illness was because depression and manic-depression run in my family. Unfortunately, in our world, manic-depression is a mysterious, stigmatized, illness, misunderstood by many, that some do not even regard as an illness. So many people who have it, try to hide it and so do so many families. A mental illness is one of the most difficult things for a family to accept. Unfortunately, it took an event like Joey getting arrested for my parents and I to really examine manic-depression. You may wonder how we could let a close family member get to such a point before realizing what was going on. Let me try to describe it. At some point, I remember deciding that my brother was “sensitive.” Since he is a violinist, strange quirks in his personality did not strike me as unusual, but part of his “musician personality.” I cannot explain why some of his strange behavior seemed O.K. with me. Maybe because it was a gradual thing. Why did it not appear strange to my family that he would stay up all night and sleep during the day? I would get amazed because sometimes he wouldn’t even sleep during the day to make up for his wake nights. Why did my parents and I think it was normal for someone to have a disrupted sleep pattern? Sometimes he would compose for a full orchestra, overnight; we thought this was a good thing! Conversations with my brother became strange, too. I felt that he had a "deep personality." I do not remember the details of what he would talk about, but it was full of thoughts, contemplation, deep looks into the meaning of life and analysis of people’s behaviors. Perhaps this does not sound strange, but Joey’s thoughts seemed to be a bit misled, delusional, and paranoid. I did not make these classifications at the time, but if I had thought about it hard enough, I might have noticed that it was becoming increasingly difficult to have a conversation with him. The weird part about all of this was that Joey denied anything was wrong. Somehow, somewhere, I had learned that denial could be a part of manic-depressive illness. This strange dichotomy bewildered me. How does anybody get help when they have this? The whole thing confused me and I longed for more information. I used to ask psychiatrists that I met in passing, sometimes in the dermatologist office or the dentist office that I was working in, how do you treat people who do not want to be helped? How do you make them see that they need help when the very illness that they have tells them that they are not sick? Although I still do not have a definite answer, I know now that denial is not always a part of manic-depression, and there are many reasons why someone may or may not experience denial. One day, my mother called me and told me that Joey had been arrested. He had gone after his girlfriend’s daughter, threatening to kill her. He apparently had broken a door off its hinges. This was my brother’s second arrest; the second time he had acted with extremely poor judgment. It was the second time that he had behaved in a way that was not his personality. It was after this that my parents went to the library to look for information about manic-depression. We had to find out how his illness tied into his behavior because we knew that he was not a criminal, not a bad person, and not a violent person. My parents found the answer in the DSM-IV. This book is used by psychiatrists to make formal diagnoses. It listed something like 7 criteria for manic-depression. In order to diagnose manic-depression, the person has to have 4 out of the 7. Joey had 6 of them. For us, this was a relieving discovery. Here we finally had some proof, an explanation for his behavior. Not only did we understand more the meaning of the illness, but it was real....a book described my brother to a tee. My parents then invited me to a support group for family members of people with mood disorders. I told them I would go. Friends and Family is one of many groups at Mood Disorders Support Group and it was a lifesaver. My parents learned how to realize that they are not responsible for my brother having manic-depression. They learned that it is not a result of “bad-upbringing.”(One of the hardest things for parents to learn) They also learned how to not allow my brother to run their lives because, indeed, his illness had started consuming all their energy. We began to try different ways to show Joey that he needed help and medication. We gave him literature, we asked him to come to a support group, we asked him to see a psychiatrist, we invited him to hang out with some of the other members of the “bipolar” groups. We tried talking to him and writing him a letter. Nothing worked. He still stubbornly feels that he does not need help and he continues to live in his own world of delusions. His violin playing has deteriorated beyond recognition. One of the most important lessons we have learned in the group is to let go. I now realize that nobody can help Joey except himself. He will get help when he is ready and all I can do is remind him every now and then that when he is ready to do it, I am ready to support him and help him in any way possible. I have done all I can for him and when he looks to me, he will know that I love him no matter what. In the meantime, I continued to go to support group. The group helped me to work out day-to-day problems of my brother’s behavior and the stigma of his illness when I would speak about it to some people. I had a place to go where everyone really understood what I was going through....feeling that I had lost a brother to some wild demon in his brain. I started to hear stories of people whose family members sounded as bad as Joey, some worse...and after years of suffering, had gotten better. I realized that as bleak as Joey’s future looks right now, there is always hope, and I pray every night for him to gain some wisdom about his health. I also saw many people around Joey’s age come to support group for “unipolars” and “bipolars” and never return.(My brother had actually shown up to one group and never returned.) I knew that the organization had been talking about starting a support group for younger people, and I suddenly knew that I had to be involved. In a few months, the “Youth Group” was started. I had 6 people in my first group and the number tripled in size in less than 3 months. People of ages 17-31 came out of the woodwork and rejoiced in the camaraderie of their fellow-sufferers. They supported each other, made friends, formed a sanctuary, and gave advice and information to each other. It was unbelievable. I was amazed at everyone who came out and was trying to actively fight their illness. They had jobs, boyfriends, and girlfriends, families....they were normal-whatever normal is! They were either treating their illness or learning about how to, neither of which my brother was doing. I used to go home each Friday night after group and marvel over the power of manic-depression and depression, the courage of the people in my group, and the sadness of my brother who still was not ready to fight. The group has proved to be therapeutic for me because I am actively able to help people who are ready to treat their illness. I also grow more and more hopeful that my brother will gain the courage to treat his manic-depression. I understand more than ever how scared he must be, and it helps me to have empathy for him. I also feel that in some small way, I can help alleviate the stigma of depression and manic-depression by spreading information and provoking understanding. The stigma is also a barrier for many people wanting to get help. There is a lot of pain involved in this kind of work. Having insight as to how people can hurt is not easy. To witness prejudice and ignorance is aggravating, but it is all worth it because all of these things must be dealt with. In the end, it will all help my brother get better. If you are reading this, then in one way or another, you must care about someone or something to do with this illness. Awareness and information are power tools in this generation and someday, Joey will have them, too. -- Li, 1998 |
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For those of you with depression or manic depression (bipolar disorder) or a friend or
family member of someone with this illness, there are several things that you can do:
If you know someone who is depressed offer them support. If you are depressed, get help. And remember that it may take time but you can feel better. |
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| Last Update Sunday, February 20, 2000 | |
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