Depression and Relationships
ED'S STORY
My
name is Ed, and I am a 28 year old gay male. I have a depressive mood disorder, and have
been treated very successfully for three years with medication. I will describe the
history of my depression and treatment in another story.
Right now, the most pressing issue in my life is my relationship with my partner. We
have been together for five and a half years. Just this week, we ended our relationship.
My partner is depressive also. When we met, he was in treatment and on medication for
his illness, with some degree of success. It was my partner who spotted the first signs of
major depression in me, and suggested a course of treatment, including possibly seeing a
therapist or psychiatrist. I resisted this intensely at first. I had very little faith in
psychotherapy, and felt as if going for treatment would be surrendering control of my life
to someone else. Furthermore, I wanted nothing to do with antidepressant medication. This
also was a control issue. In addition, since drug addictions run in my family, I was wary
about taking any sort of "pill" on a long-term basis.
Our relationship suffered greatly at the time, partly because of my depression, and
partly because I lashed out at the only person who had the courage to confront me with the
fact that I had an illness. Also, since my partner was not totally compliant with his
medication and therapy, he suffered from mood swings as well.
I decided that my life had become unmanageable shortly after I made a suicide
attempt--an abortive attempt, but an attempt no less. I had already had several violent
temper flare-ups during which I threw and broke things and vandalized my apartment, though
I never allowed anyone to see this behavior. The suicide attempt frightened my partner
deeply, and there was no way I could argue with him. I had to seek treatment. I booked an
appointment with a psychotherapist, who in turn referred me to the psychiatrist that
prescribed antidepressant medication.
When the right medication and dosage took effect, my depression faded to almost
nothing. My treatment had been successful, with no side effects whatsoever.
During the next several years, however, my partner became less and less compliant with
his treatment, and eventually stopped it completely. His moods became extremely
unpredictable at first. Last year, he settled into a deep depression. No amount of
persuasion could convince him to seek treatment. I was determined to save our
relationship. We had a great deal to lose: I was now a part of his family. I had
especially bonded with his parents, who regarded me as one of their own children.
Over the last three months, I asked him many times to seek treatment. I explained how
badly his illness was affecting my well-being. After all, I loved him, and could not bear
to watch him deteriorate this way. His behavior was causing me a lot of emotional pain,
but I forgave him for that. What I could not tolerate was his inaction in trying to become
well again.
I requested one last time that he see a psychiatrist. He gave me no answer. I knew that
moment that we had reached the brink of our relationship. I knew we could not continue to
be partners if he did not seek treatment for his illness. After conferring with my
friends, and one of his friends, I confronted him with an ultimatum. I told him that I
could not and would not stand by and watch him deteriorate. I told him that I wanted him
to seek treatment, and that if he chose not to, I would have to back out of our
relationship.
He was furious that I would make such a demand. Still, I had to press him for an
answer. I had to know what he intended to do.
His answer was no. He would not seek treatment even when faced with the possible loss
of our relationship. I told him then and there that I could no longer be his partner, and
the argument at an end.
This occurred only yesterday, so I am writing this with the pain of the experience
fresh in mind. My intent was never to abandon my partner. I know that he loves me. He
knows that I love him. But I had made a demand of him, and he would not meet it.
I am now attending a support group
for friends and family of people with mood disorders. My first meeting with them occurred
just before the breakup. I mentioned my proposed solution to the group and I came away
with the courage to face my partner's mood disorder head on and a few pieces of
constructive criticism.
I do not know what the future will bring. I believe, though, that I have made my best
efforts to show my partner how much I love him. |
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