“I should have been excited the way most of the other girls were, but I couldn't get myself to relax. I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of the tornado must feel moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo."
-- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

A Battle with Depression
E's Story

E's Update

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I am a 29 year old woman from New York City. My name is not important because my story can be the story of anyone. I have suffered from depression on & off for years & think that I have had it since I was a child. (Though for many years I was able to manage it without assistance) I first started going to therapy three years ago. I had always thought that depression was a state of mind and that I would overcome it at some point.

But I have learned many things since & the most important lesson is that depression is an illness, not a state of mind. It is a treatable illness. Last May I sank in to the worst depression I had ever felt (though it was not the worst I was going to face.) Though depression is an illness in itself, it is often brought upon by outside influences and internal conflicts. I had both - a close family member with a terminal illness, financial difficulties, a new job, the ending of some friendships, and the stress of trying to define relationships with old & new boyfriends.

Depression is not merely feeling sadness or grief, it is an overwhelming illness that affects every aspect of life. Depression changes perceptions, so while there may have been answers to some of my dilemmas, my depression refused to let me see them and all I could see was bleak. All I could see was the negative answers, the impossibilities. It impaired my concentration, made it difficult for me to do my job and that added stress & increased my depression. A literature major in college, I no longer had the attention span to read a book. It became a very physical illness, causing my back to spasm so much that my doctor thought I had a curvature of the spine. I needed more & more sleep; it became difficult to wake up & my job became more in jeopardy.

I began to understand what depressed people meant when they said "I couldn't get out of bed" because I literally could not move myself out of bed some mornings. This fatigue was actually a blessing in disguise because at my worst points, when I was most prone to suicide, I was too fatigued to do it. The pain I felt from my depression was thorough from my psyche to my physical being. My entire self, my soul, was hurting. Suicidal thoughts came not so much that I wanted to die, but that I want to end the pain.

I began taking Paxil, one of the newer antidepressants, for a few months. It didn't work fully & I had many side effects from it, but it began the process of a long recovery, with many ups and many more downs

My boyfriend & I had just entered into a monogamous phase in our relationship. The demands for the relationship were too great for me, so I began to push away. He pulled me back and become overprotective & very suffocating because he was worried about my state of mind. Our relationship began to deteriorate to a push you away-pull me back game, with some time outs when I became suicidally dependent. I began to have horrible nightmares, caused by my depression & uncertainty of the relationship and I suspect worsened by Paxil (it affects sleep & dream patterns). One September morning after a particularly bad night, we had a mutual breakup.

At this point, one of my worst symptoms was on overwhelming sense of fear. Fear of dreams, fear of darkness, fear of death, fear of life, fear of failure, fear of asking for help, fear of family, fear of my boyfriend, fear of fear. My boyfriend's suffocation had put so much fear into me that I changed my locks, refused his calls, and told him to leave me alone forever and always. And through this I convinced most of my family, friends, and co-workers that I was fine, even as I wondered each day if I would make it to the next.

Shortly after the breakup I weaned off the Paxil and began taking Serzone. At first, I was fine. I even told everyone that my depression was gone. One stress was over (the relationship) & this lifted me a bit. I began to take pleasure in life again and began dating again; but before long, on Halloween, the depression returned with a vengeance and I found myself calling my ex-boyfriend. We began seeing each other again. November was the worst month for me and I wondered if I would live until Christmas.

My therapist suggested that I begin attending a support group for people with depression. Towards the end of November, shortly after I began taking Zoloft, I did. Two weeks later I went to a second meeting, and have attended a regularly since. My boyfriend began attending a group for family & friends of depressed people. We both began to learn that while his reaction (over-protectiveness & suffocating) was common, it was unhealthy & that he needed to deal with my depression in a different way. Continuing attendance at the group has helped us both.

December was a trying month for me. The Zoloft worked up to a point -- keeping me a little more stable but I still had a few depressive episodes, especially around the holidays. In January I began seeing a new psychiatrist (whom I liked much better than the first) who prescribed a tricyclic antidepressant which, unlike the drugs I had been prescribed previously, it is one of the older anti-depressants used. I have learned that the new drugs (Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft, Wellbutrin etc.) are generally not more effective than the older drugs, but they have less side effects, are difficult to overdose on, and thus are prescribed more widely.

The new antidepressant began helping me very much in a relatively short time. In February, I began feeling much better than I had for a long time -- my energy levels & concentration levels improved and my suicidal urges left. I have had some side effects but, interestingly enough, not as many as I had on the Paxil, which shows that people's body chemistry & reactions to medications vary. (I have met several people who are doing well on the medications that did not help me. Sometimes it takes several tries before a person finds the correct medication and dose, but I know several people who get better with their first medication)

It took me a long time for me to reach this point, I now feel very good. I don't know how long I will be on the medications, perhaps for the rest of my life. I was not able to do this on my own, I had help from all my friends, especially my boyfriend, from the support group and my new friends there, my therapist, and my new doctor. Thank you to everyone who has been there for me.

-- New York City, NY, USA; July, 1998

"To remain a victim of depression when I have been given the tools to be healthy, or at least healthier, means that I am withholding a part of me from people who might need whatever I have to give"
--The Beast, Tracy Thompson

UPDATE

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The winter was hard on me this year. The nortriptelyne made me lethargic & my depression is affected by the change of seasons. My new psychiatrist prescribed Wellbutrin which increased my energy levels. Where for years I have had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, I now can get up much easier. Yes, I still press the snooze & grumble a lot, but I no longer have that mental slowness that used to accompany me every morning.

Sometimes I am still look at the world with the eyes of child seeing things for the first time. I still sometimes take a step back when I am enjoying something -- like first our vacation together -- and I am amazed that I can feel joy. There is so much I can do now that I couldn't do two years ago.

My job is not going well at the moment. Although I complain about it, I feel proud that I can still get up & get to work on time, do my job, & not fall apart at the office or run to the bathroom crying. I am able to explore my options at my current job, prepare my resume, go on interviews, and take charge of my future.

Best of all, my boyfriend is now my fianc�. We recently moved in together & are staring to plan our wedding next year. All this is possible because I took some pills that cured an illness. I keep taking them & am monitored by a doctor. I see a psychologist to unlearn all the coping skills that arose from my depression. I seek out help from others like me. It wasn't easy. And sometimes it still isn't. But life never is. Depression is not a weakness. It is not a state of mind. It is an illness. It is an illness that can be treated.

---New York City, July 1999

For those of you with depression or manic depression (bipolar disorder) or a friend or family member of someone with this illness, there are several things that you can do:

1. If you have the illness contact a professional.
   A psychotherapist should be someone with training and licensing, such as a psychologist, a social worker, or a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is an M.D. (medical doctor) and can prescribe medication, while a social worker or psychologist can only practice therapy. All medical doctors can prescribe anti-depressants, but I would suggest that you see a psychiatrist, someone who is very educated about these particular types of drugs
   
   
2. Attend a support group. The Mood disorder support group has many local chapters and support groups for people with mood disorders and their families and friends -- Chapter directory/local support groups
   MDDA Boston
   NYC MDSG
   There are also several support groups on the web:
   Walkers in Darkness -- A site which has information on depression, including how to join a mailing list for people with depression & bipolar disorder.
   support group.com bulletin board
   
3. Educated yourself. Learn as much as you can about the illness and how it can be treated.
   For a start, check out the Links page
4. Do not abuse drugs or alcohol. Abusing drugs makes your illness worse

If you know someone who is depressed offer them support. If you are depressed, get help. And remember that it may take time but you can feel better.

Peace

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